I'm nearing the end of this 3rd and (Mr. Clean willing) final pregnancy of my entire life and I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a whole range of emotions. One being fear. I am sitting here in my bed, with a little free time because my other 2 kids are tucked into their own beds, because they run on a pretty good schedule these days. I can stay up a little later if I want because when my 2 get up in the morning they either play quietly in their room, or they'll put on the Disney Channel because they know how to use the remote. With every passing day, life with my growing littles gets easier and easier. They wipe their own hineys (for the most part), they sleep through the night (for the most part), they play together nicely (for the most part), and they go to bed without tears (for the most part), and I can sit in my bed and read, or write or watch House Hunters. And it's moments like right this minute that I begin to wonder "what the heck was I thinking????" I am just days away from a life altering change. I am re-upping for another 18+ years, and nothing is more physically exhausting than what these next few months have in store for me. I am panic stricken thinking about nursing, like petrified. It's the most excruciating pain in life. And before you start sending me suggestions, save your breath, I'm sure I know them all. And before you ask me "then why do it??" I'll say, "that's a great question". I am scared of sleepless nights, met with demanding days, and homeschooling on top of it all. I'm praying now for grace and patience (yikes!) and an easy transition. If you're the praying type, you can join me in this.
And if fear is the first emotion that has come to mind, excitement would be the second thing. I know that the things I fear are things that are so short lived. It may feel like it will never end, but when it does, I'm gonna miss it. I'm excited for all those lovely things that come with new babies. The smell, the snuggles, the way that a newborn forces you to sit and slow down. I'm excited for all those "firsts" that our baby will get to experience, and siblings that will get to enjoy them with her. I'm excited to see what she's going to look like, what her personality will be like, how she will enhance our family and I can't WAIT to see Mr. Clean fall in love again. I can't wait to make that final drive to the hospital and to be in that happy place that is Labor and Delivery...for the last time.
And then I get sad. Like really sad. I am one of the weirdos that LOVES being pregnant. I love it from start to finish and I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't seem to get sick, minus heartburn. But don't worry, I pay for this handsomely when it's time to nurse and I feel like I may need stitches and it's a bloody mess. But I hope I always remember the excitement of seeing a positive pregnancy test, of hearing a baby's heartbeat at that first doctors appointment, of feeling the kicks and wiggles and the excitement of washing tiny clothes and folding blankets. I want to savor the anticipation of getting to meet a new little baby. This is the last time I will carry life and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad about it.
I am so amazed at how a woman's body works to grow and sustain life. It's a miracle that I do not take for granted. I know that it is a gift that many women would do anything to have and some may never know. I am humbled that the Lord has allowed me this privilege and I don't even know why he has 3 times over. Praise be to Him. I am going to miss this. A chapter is closing in my life and I hate when a good book ends. But I think I have enjoyed this phase fully though and am content with the closure. All good things must come to an end and so, here we are, wrapping up my child bearing years. What a blessed gift it has been. Let's do this!
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| 39 Weeks with Cooper |
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| 39 Weeks with Lucy |
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| 39 Weeks with Eliza |
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