11 Things I've learned in 11 years of Marriage.

In just a couple of days we will be celebrating 11 years of "wedded bliss". In many ways I feel like it was yesterday, but in more ways, it seems like another life ago. Over the last couple years, the Lord has taken our marriage on a journey that I didn't even know I was on until I was delivered on the other side. It's probably best I didn't know the road beforehand, but I'm thankful he took us through it! I've learned so much through some refining "fire". I assure you that many have traveled a much rockier road, and have fallen into much deeper valleys, and for much longer than my short journey. Or maybe you are drowning in a relationship where you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure what that feels like, but I have been in a place where the seeds of bitterness took root, resentment set in and apathy ruled the day, conversations/arguments followed the same exact script, hitting the same dead end wall, going back to square one, which only made the apathy grow more. The funny thing is, I really had no idea! I kind of thought I was living a normal life, in a normal marriage, one that's as good as it gets! We had both grown complacent, even if we didn't know it.  But through humility and the exposing and confronting of sin, sometimes bringing in help from the outside to deal with that sin head on, as well as being in the Word, reading books and listening to sermons, going to a stellar marriage conference, and communicating, we have come to a place that I never knew was even possible. I have been thinking about all of the lessons I have learned through the years and even recently and wanted to share what little wisdom I have gained up to this point on the likely chance that someone reading may have been feeling the same, and to serve as a reminder to me in the future. So here are 11 things I've learned in 11 years of marriage:

11. As cliche as it is, Communication is key. This is a "Relationship 101" DUH! But I think many don't realize what open, honest communication is and how to even do it. Ladies, don't expect men to read between lines. They only know what we tell them and nothing more. 

10. Confess and admit when you're wrong and seek forgiveness, PRONTO! Don't let your personal sin "go," deal with it- expose it- sin hates the light! 

9. Be humble- LISTEN! If your spouse is coming to you, in love, about your sin, listen. We are quick to see the faults in our partner, with extreme accuracy, but for some reason when it comes to our faults, the blinders go on and the defenses go UP!

8. Work-out together. I hate exercising, but I know I should AND I love spending time with Mr. Clean and it turns out, I get a lot more time with him if we do it together! This single thing has been a game changer in our marriage.

7. Uproot bitterness. Don't let those seeds take root and water it until it grows like kudzu. Get that stuff under control! If it has overrun your heart and marriage, call in help! It may be a hard, humbling call to make, but it will so be worth it when you finally do.

6. *Blush alert* Talk about sex. Seriously. When was the last time you talked to your spouse about how, when and how much you do "it"?  If you don't, do. If you haven't, start. Refer to #11 above. You will thank me, or your spouse will...but that's ok. Don't.

5. GO AWAY! Make time for the two of you to see someplace new. Or at least ship the kids off and see your home in a new, less hectic, way. This is the best investment in your marriage. I heard a pastor say that children are a temporary fixture in a permanent family of 2. Invest in it!

4.Be the spouse you want your kids to have someday. Be the wife you want for your son. Be the husband you want for your daughter.

3.Let the kids see you hug and kiss, laugh and hold hands. A happy and secure marriage is the greatest gift you can give them.

2. In the words of my teen siblings, Stay Woke. Know that your spouse WILL change. The person you married will not be the same person you married. Stay so connected (woke), lest you wake up 10 years later to a stranger in your bed, and instead of Unchained Melody playing in your head, it will be I've Lost That Lovin' Feeling. Marriage requires work. On the flip side, some things never change. If you are hoping some of your spouses "less than favorite qualities" will somehow disappear one day, you'll be waiting a long time on that one. I'll go ahead and spoil it for you, a lot of things will change, but those quirks just won't.

1. IF you maintain your marriage, stay humble, stay "woke", remain open, uproot bitterness and kick it to the curb, seek wisdom and HELP when needed, grow in the Lord and in Grace, and go away, your marriage WILL grow. It will blossom into something so beautiful, your little mind can't even imagine it. The love you have for your spouse will have grown exponentially and when you think back to your beautiful wedding 11 years ago you'll think: Man, I THOUGHT I loved you then. At least, that's how I feel anyway.

Here are some resources of things that have helped me and might help someone who's been in my shoes!

• The book What Did You Expect by Paul Tripp is one of the best marriage books I've read...and I fell like I've read them all.
• This sermon series by Jack Hughes of Crossings Church in Kentucky was a blessing to me
• Here's the link to the marriage conference we attended in Sept. Excellent.
• And finally, and most importantly, the link to Biblical counseling. Sometimes you just can't do it on your own and you need help. This is a FREE ministry to the public and such a blessing to many seeking God's answers to life's problems.

The Pursuit of Wisdom and Women

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the Proverbs over the last few weeks and while it has helped me in sharing its truths with someone I love, the Lord has a funny way of exposing His truths to the reader for their own life. While I was searching for wisdom and truth for someone else, the Lord used it to refine me. And it got me thinking about the pursuit of Wisdom in my life.

The Proverbs are chalked full of wisdom, literally, packed to the brim on the importance of wisdom, urging the reader to listen to, walk in, abide in and dwell in wisdom. The younger the person, the louder the call to listen – I'm sure that's because Solomon was hip to how a young person thinks - they don't care about wisdom and it's value. Youngins, from the beginning of time, are and have been, hard headed, know-it-alls that feel invincible (guilty as charged). It's their way or the highway. 

Wisdom in Proverbs is likened to a beautiful and intriguing woman. She is strong and demands a lot of care and attention to keep up with. She wants to be cherished and sought after and she's oh-so-valuable. "Do not forsake her and she will keep you." Yet so many run from wisdom’s calling.  People seek their own way and the warning against running from Lady Wisdom is loud and made crystal clear. Wisdom can be gained by reading the word, but all throughout the book, Solomon urges the reader to listen for it – literally listening to the counselors all around you to gain wisdom. "The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice" (Prov 12:15). "Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future" (19:20). These verses tell me that first, we need counselors. That means we need people in our lives that can and will be involved enough to share advice, biblical truths and wisdom and secondly, that we need to be open to listening to them. Proverbs tells us that gaining wisdom is better than having gold and understanding is better than choice silver (16:16), and it's far better than jewels or anything we could ever dream of having (8:11)!!! WOW! Yet, so many don't want any part of it. Their way is right in their own eyes and they don't want to hear anything other than what their hearts want and if you dig a little deeper into the Scriptures you'll find out what it tells us about our hearts...hint: They are desperately sick and beyond a cure (Jer. 17:9). Why do we insist on listening to our sickened hearts?

By the world’s standards I am no feminist, but when I think of all the amazing women God has put in my path to sharpen me as a wife, mother, sister, friend and daughter of the Most High, I am all “hear me roar!” The role that women and only women can play in the lives of other women make me want to parade down a street, hootin' and hollerin'-- kind of like Lady Wisdom does in the Proverbs--and I want to make sure this is a truth that is experienced for all womankind. Amen? Amen! I'll have shirts made up!

While I value and love the leading ladies in my life that the Lord has given me biologically, it is the women in the body of Christ that I wish to speak of. These ladies are not obligated to me. They don’t have to pour into me. They have children and husbands and friends, yet they give of their time and share their wisdom with me, and I don’t know why. When I think of the time that they spend on me, I fall to my humble puddle of tears. I literally did as I went around to share what I was writing about, hence the teary pictures below.

I have a lady I can go to when I am a discouraged parent and she offers advice, counsel and encouragement. She shares all of her tips and tricks as she has traveled a lot farther down the road than I have. Then there is a lady that has helped me think through important decisions in my life, like "should we have another baby???" (By the way, we did). There is a lady that had the courage to confront and lovingly rebuke me when she heard me as a young gal gossiping about someone I love, and the same lady has made a point to pour herself into my life and has served to prod my faith, asking how I'm growing in the Lord and has for years. I have cried on her shoulder during darker days of my marriage when I felt embarrassed and ashamed and she just loved me. There is one that listens to me as I talk through my irrational night time anxiety and she helps me to put off those untrue thoughts and put on Christ and sends me texts to check in. I have a lady I can run to and with one look or one word can send me to the Kleenex box and right into her arms. I call her and she speaks truth to me, whether it's about how to handle conflict in a relationship, or when my husband has changed jobs and I'm uneasy, or when I've been a discouraged homeschool mom. And there are ladies who just have God's word on their mouths at all times and it is sweet encouragement to the soul when I hear them speak. I have women that I can text and say "please pray for me," and they do. Some of these ladies have taken me on as their personal project, consistently and selflessly, making time for me. Others it has been for a time, but they have had an amazingly profound and meaningful impact on my life. And there are some who may not even know the impact they have made on my life. And ALL of them are there when I need it. If every woman could have just ONE woman like this in their life, they would be richer than Oprah. And Oprah doesn't count as your wise woman of choice.

What is something that all of these women have in common? They are all older than me, they’ve lived more, seen more, know more. And they all know the Lord. They have a faith that I envy and a walk that is deep. They have been given grace and share that grace with me. They are faithful and humble and...they are wise. They are Titus 2 women. I want to be like them.

 So why me? I have no clue apart from being it the Lord’s will for my life. BUT, I think it also takes some humility. They didn’t just walk up to me and start pouring into me. I think it takes a heart softening and a big piece of humble pie to make yourself vulnerable and let those walls come down and say, “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doing, but maybe they can help,” and to just talk and to be engaged, but more importantly, to just listen. Proverbs says that "with humility comes wisdom" (11:2) and that is truly what we should be striving for in this world. 1 Peter 3:3-4 says, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." This should be our heart's desire.

So how? How does that happen? How on earth are these relationships formed? These ladies don’t just come up to me and I don’t just walk up to them and lay my garbage at their feet (although sometimes I do now. If my counselors are reading, they are smiling). The answer to HOW these relationships are forged is, I believe, through service in The Body. The more areas that I can serve in, the more opportunities that I have to be with these ladies. And these ladies, likewise, are servants in the church. Rocking babies in the nursery, cooking meals at kid’s camp, driving for two hours to decorate for a ladies retreat, opening my home for small group, working VBS, serving at luncheons, the list goes on. Serving requires a level of humility too. It's opening yourself up to the fact that you have something to offer the body and it's a surefire way to expose yourself to women in all peer groups. So Carpe Diem! Do it! Serve it up!

So what have I gained? I pray, some wisdom! A few months ago, one of my biggest mentors came to me at my house and told me that I am no longer a ‘younger’ and that it was time for me to start pouring into ladies that are younger than myself. And while she may be right, I certainly don’t feel ready! Just last week, I told another one of my greatest counselors my plan on how I was going to deal with a certain issue in my personal life and she graciously and tenderly told me that I was wrong. The Lord used her in that moment to turn a light bulb on in my head and literally changed my course and subsequently my relationship with this person that I was planning to execute an otherwise, unwise plan! I have sooooo much to learn still. I have also saved my husband a lot of money on counseling/therapy, but more importantly, I have safety. "Where there is no guidance, the people will fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety" (Prov 11:14). And if the scriptures are true, my safety net is quite large and secure.

Why do I share all of this? Because I want this for you, dear reader. If you are reading this, I want you to think, "Who is speaking truth into my life? Do I have an older person/people that I can glean from?" If you are not able answer this question, we need to ask "why?" Are you making yourself available to your Body of believers by way of service? Is there a wide variety of people in your midst? People who may not think just like you? People who are older than you? I have plenty of like minded friends that I can gab with, laugh with, mourn with, commiserate with, but I NEED the older women (and men) in my life, and I'd venture to say, you do too! Do you take the opportunity when you can to let your guard down and ask other women questions? Questions like "What was the best piece of marriage advice you've received?" or "How on earth did you discipline your kids when they did ____?" The more you talk and ask and LISTEN, the more you'll learn and then you'll be able to call them or pull them aside and say, "I don't know how to communicate _____ with my husband. I am feeling so discouraged and frustrated. Please HELP ME!" or "ACK!!! I'm drowning at home. It seems like all I do is yell! I can't keep up with all of the stuff on my plate. What did you do when you had little kids at home?" Oh, how I want this to be true for every woman I know. This is the healthy body at work! Iron sharpening iron. If you do not have any older women speaking truth into your life, you are missing out on the richness of Wisdom! Do not be wise in your own eyes, you don't have to be! And you're likely not! "Blessed is the one who finds wisdom and the one who gets understanding" (Prov 3:13). Be blessed, go find that wisdom. And know, I'm here. I don't know much, but I'm learning from the best...

The Dog Days of Motherhood and Other Things About My Day.

I've got a million different ways I could start this and have tried to find the time to string these words and thoughts together for the last 2 months. Literally. These days I write when I can-- Carpool, 5 minutes in the bathroom, when I'm tied to a rocking chair-you get the gist-and I write because I kind of find it to be cathartic and stress releasing.

I will start, first, by saying that I love my life. I am richly blessed beyond what I deserve and I don't know why. I'm also a generally cheery person who loves to have fun, but takes healthy doses of "down-to-earth" on a regular basis. I don't call myself an optimist or pessimist, but a realistic optimist with the some pessimism looming in the corner rearing it's ugly head at times. I enjoy the small things in life, but realize the big picture can be daunting at times. My glass is always half full, but my plate is over filled. 

This picture says "Happy" but I see "Sleepy"

I'm writing this here so that I can look back here as a reminder of what my life looked like in this season and see how far I've come. And someday, when I'm through the thick of this fog, I can look at young momma's walking around in what they likely wore yesterday, covered in spit up, with cheeto dust in their hair and tell them "honey, I know. It's all going to be ok, let me buy your lunch" and finally, I write this so that someone reading can know that they, in fact, are not alone. And you're not. So here goes nothing...or everything. 

Everyone is busy. Everyone is tired. Everyone has a full plate. But I had forgotten what 5 months of rocky sleep will do to a person. It turns out, it's not so good. And whoever said that the jump from1 to 2 kids was the hardest, clearly didn't go on to have 3 or more. But the truth is. One is hard. 2 is hard. 3 is hard. 4 is hard--you get the gist. Parenting is hard.You go momma!

 What is also hard? Trying to do "life" while nursing every 3 hours, round the clock (yes, I chose this path), changing diapers, spit-up, blow outs, fuss fests, nap strikes, nursing strikes, and so on and so forth, but dang, shes cute. But why oh why won't she eat during the day? But dang, she's cute.

Let's add Homeschooling a first grader to the plate. The kid can't do anything independently (again, another choice. A choice I have been questioning since Christmas), being tied to a table for 4+ hours a day teaching a person, literally everything they know. Math, reading, phonics (don't even get me started), science, social studies, spelling and--my favorite--handwriting. FOR THE LOVE, BUMP THE LINE. Is it Summer yet?

 And then there is the preschooler who is around here somewhere. I just follow the mess trail to a big pile of my mom guilt, glitter and nail polish spills and there she will be. Bless her little heart. Middle child, she is.

  I then turn my head to see my husband who works 2 jobs to keep our world spinning. He is my rock, my dream catcher, my teenage dream. He is mighty fine, but sorry. That's gonna be a hard no from me, dog. 

Let's not forget groceries--the bane of my existence these days and pure torture when taking all 3-- and there's the laundry, keeping up with a house (Mrs. Mister Clean over here) and a floor that hasn't been mopped since Christmas, and cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner on the daily, except who am I kidding? It's cereal or ball field most nights... And that's just the basics. 

 Why don't we throw in a photography business with emails to answer, calendars to manage shoots to do and photos to edit. Again another choice, but it affords us the ability to do things we can't do otherwise. 

And baseball. Why? I ask myself every other day. Because my kid loves it, that's why. 

Oh crap. And ballet. Let's just remember to go. It's the one thing I can do for our girl...wherever she is.

And let's host small group. It's one of my only chances to talk with adults during the week, It stays. And it's our joy to do it.

But wait, when did I last shower? No worries! I'll just change my nursing pads, undies, slap on some gloss, throw on a hat and it's all good, because...That's a no from me dog.

And ya know what? Thank goodness for Social Media. It's the only view of the outside world right now, so yeah, I indulge.

I open my Bible, read a few verses and then a spill, a fall, or a fight. Get behind me, Satan. I go to work out and 15 minutes in, a spill, a fall, or a fight. The jiggle-y bits will stay for now. I go to lay down for a nap and then a spill, a fall, or a doorbell ring...I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Sister-friend, Have you ever felt like you're on an island, alone with your burdens and exhaustion? Your husband is around, but isn't tethered to that island like you are? There have been times that I have felt jealous of my husband. While he's equally as busy, his burdens are just as great, if not more so, he spins lots of plates, but he can freely roam. He isn't shackled. He can get on a plane this week and be free and he will be. He can drive somewhere without listening to the Moana soundtrack on repeat. He can eat with both hands. He can sleep and only knows of the rough nights when I give him a swift kick under the covers, or give him "the look" when he says "wow, last night was good, right?" Moms are always "on call" 24/7. 

 Yes, I've been there over these last few months. Even when we've gone out of town, I'm still shackled to that island. BUT while I may feel alone on that island, I know I'm not. In the dark of night (sometimes 2 or 3 times), I have time with my Lord and last baby. I remind myself the He promises to give rest to the weary and He grants sleep to those he loves (Matt 11:28-29, Ps 127:1-2). There's my silver lining.

I have had days where things have not gone according to MY plans and my attitude has followed suit and it has spilled onto my little island like flood waters and that day has turned into days, that has turned into a week and the guilt has mounted like Everest. The weight of that ugly becomes so heavy that I remind myself that even a crack heads kid loves their mom (yes, I've thought this), I have to be better than that, right??? And then I have to step back. I'm doing the best I can. I will screw up, I will ask forgiveness of my husband, of my kids and of my Lord. He always forgives. Fresh slate.The Lord has given me this work. It's hard work, but good work. It's all gonna be OK. Like I said at the get go- I love my life. Like, really love my life. What you see from me is the real deal, but see this too and know that this high-on-life girl has lows too. This particular season has just been physically and mentally exhausting, but this too shall pass and too soon. This is the thick of it. The dog days of motherhood. I'm convinced that we will be at this Full Plate Buffet for quite some time. And just when I think the plate can't fill anymore, the server will give me a bigger plate and that one will fill up too. I know the table might look different and it'll be a new menu of options, and I will still be tired, but there is no tired like the new momma with young kids tired. Some day in the near future, I will sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time and I will have a little bit more time (maybe??) to write or shower or both, back to back! But tonight I will go to bed thinking "maybe the baby will sleep through the night? Or for at least 4 hours in a row!"
You're not alone, sweet mom! 

(excuse typos. Ain't no one got time fo dat)

I Love Lucy and She's 4!

I don't know what it's like to have an older sibling as I'm the oldest of 8 kids in my family. Not only that, but I'm significantly older than most of them. I'm so much older that I'm more like an aunt--or even a mom to about 5 of them! I am 6 years older than my sister that is closest in age to me and that's the closest thing I have to a typical sibling relationship. And I was not very nice to her as a kid. As a matter of fact, I was downright awful. I don't have many regrets in my life, however one of the biggest regrets I have is the way I treated my little sister. But the Lord is good and showed me my ugliness, (perhaps too late, after the damage was done) and brought me to repentance. I hope she knows how sorry I am and thankfully, we have a good relationship now. I would do anything for her and she has my back as well.

Why on earth am I mentioning this in Lucy's birthday post? I do have a point, I promise. When we were kids my little sister was the most beautiful baby/toddler/kid ever! Everyone knew it...and I knew it. I, on the other hand, wasn't quite as cute. I had a big personality along with a big head that made up for what I lacked in looks. My sweet sister was very shy and timid and hid in my big ugly shadow and I jumped on that weakness. I suppose I was jealous or annoyed or selfish or I don't know what, but I know I said and did such unkind things. One thing I do remember being ugly about (although the list was long) was her smile. She had a crooked little smile and I would get frustrated with her when we were smiling for pictures and she wouldn't "smile right." I'd voice my frustration in a way only I could and she kept smiling the way she did because--well--that was her SMILE!!! So, what's my point? My girl has her smile. My Lucy has the same crooked little smile that my little sister did and I'm so glad she does. It's a forever reminder to me of having patience and being kind. I'm so thankful the Lord saw fit to give my girl the smile she has. He is good. 

This year Lucy was thrust into a new role a couple months ago. She can now add Big Sister to her lot in life and she shifted from baby of the family to Middle Child. I spent a lot of time with my girl before our baby made her big appearance into this world. Twice a week we had "Momma Lucy Days" while Coop was at school. I showered her with all the milkshakes, chicken biscuits, Starbucks frapps, and Happy Meals that daddy's money could buy, along with allll of my undivided attention. It was the sweetest time and I am so glad we had that time together. Just me, her and that crooked little smile.

She is a great big sister, already better at it than I was. She is nuts about her baby--too nuts! And while I have tried my hardest to make sure she doesn't get the shaft that comes along with being the "middle child," it seems to be happening anyway. Mom guilt is a very really thing and I am suffering from it the most with her. I homeschool her big brother and when I'm not, I'm nursing a baby and when I'm not nursing a baby, I'm taking a nap. Yeah, she's been on her own a lot these last few weeks. The plus side is that she is fiercely independent. She plays on her own remarkably well and one of my greatest joys in life is hearing her play. I thought her brother was imaginative, but she really puts him to shame. 

She is so girly, but can hold her own in the woods with her brother too. If you ask her brother who is tougher and braver, he will say his little sister is every time.

She has an attitude that is bigger than the Titanic and is sharp as a tack with her mouth (it gets her in trouble). She is really funny for such a little thing. And she has a mind of her own. Don't ask her to show anyone anything on demand, she won't.  

Her brother is easy as pie and happy go-lucky, but she is a girl with many facets. She keeps us on our toes for sure!

She loves to put make-up on and to do get her nails done. It's her life right now. If you give her a tube of chapstick, she will have the entire thing applied to her lips by the end of the day. No joke. 

She loves to sing and dance and to change her clothes 2 dozen times per day.

She is fierce, but she's extremely sensitive and I am reminded of this many times before noon.

She wants us to call her "Sweet Pancake" and her feelings get a little hurt when we call the baby pet names and not her. Lucy loves her daddy and he's crazy about her.

She is all girl who loves all things pink and she says she wants to be an animal doctor someday. I think she would be perfect at that.

Tonight I tuck in my 3 year old for the last time and tomorrow she will be 4. I am so thankful formy girl and all of the sugar and spice she brings to our life. I pray big things for her! Let the good times roll...