When I was a little girl, the night time brought about a lot of anxiety for me. Still does, for that matter. But my biggest fear was always, growing up. I wanted to stay little forever. I didn't want my parents to get old. I didn't want to get old. The fear of aging, dying and death gripped me in the dark of night for a long time. What a futile thing to worry about, I know. Growing up is a Fact of Life. And since that fact has come to fruition, and continues to do so everyday, I realize just how silly it is to worry. The Lord has blessed me with so much, that never in a million years would I want to go back to that time in my life. That time in my life that I was so afraid of letting go, even if it was the best childhood ever. I could have never imagined up how my future life would unfold.. The grown up one I have now. Growing old doesn't keep me up any more.
So what does keep me up at night now? Worry, of course. Worry about my kids drowning, about them choking, about the accident they didn't have, but easily could have that day, but by the grace of God, didn't....and them growing up. When I think of how quickly time is flying by, my heart begins to race, my eyes begin to well up, and I begin to physically ache. I get told daily by sweet mommas in different seasons of life "don't blink, it goes by so fast." Well, you know what? I believe them. I so believe them and it freaks me out. I spend so much time hoping and praying that I am making the most of my kids being little and searching for a pause button, that I need to learn from my past. I spent so much time worrying about an unknown future and worrying that nothing (on earth) could be better than the life I'm currently living, that I have been missing out on looking forward to the future. This is a sweet life and while there are hard times, sad times, scary times, by and large this world, this life, is full of wonder, amazing grace and hope! But as a Christian, my hope is and should be beyond the realm of this earth. The "good things" that the Lord dreamed up for me are just the beginning, just a taste. As I couldn't fathom my life today, my future will follow suit. And when I lay in the dark of the night, this hope is what gets me back to sleep until morning.
So if my biggest fear is of my kids growing up, to the point of making me ill, another problem I have is being overly nostalgic. I am on old soul that enjoys retrospectives, looking back, remembering. so, here we are, my baby is turning 5 tomorrow. He goes to school in a little over a week. And these 2 things have made me cry, daily, for the last few weeks. I see him sleeping? I start crying. I see him eating? I cry. I see him dancing and singing? I cry. If I even think about any of those things, I get a lump in my throat, it's hard to swallow and if I'm caught, I pretend I'm crying because I stubbed my toe, or a commercial was sad. I think about how the life-clock gets bumped to "super speed" once your kid starts school, and that thought alone makes it to where I may need counseling. What's my cure for that problem? 2 words: Hybrid Homeschooling. Having my kid home 5 days a week and going to school 2 days a week should help slow time down, right? I kid. That's not WHY we chose this route for schooling...but maybe it will help?? Please, oh please, tell me, THIS GETS EASIER....it has to.
But enough about me, eh? Let me talk about my kid and the awesomeness he has brought to our lives for the last 5 years. Cooper is a light. He has greeted me every morning with a smile so bright, it could light up the darkest day. He is precocious. Smart. And very funny. He has an imagination I'm actually pretty jealous of. He has a big personality and I never know what will come out of his mouth. He loves sweets, so much that it has gotten him in to big trouble on more than one occasion. And he loves music, dancing, beat-boxing, and playing harmonica. He loves learning about dinosaurs, insects, sharks and currently, car makes and models. He wants to be a scientist that works at church when he grows up. He doesn't like cake, but loves cheeseburgers. If candy is sweet, my boy is sweeter. He has some areas that need lots of work, which requires patience and grace on my part, but who doesn't? He is one of my favorite people and I pray big things for him. He tells me all the time: "I will always be your little boy, until I'm big. And then I'll always be your big boy. But don't worry, I will call and visit." Oh my heart. I'm so thankful to the Lord for blessing me with this kid. What a joy and honor. To the boy who made me a momma, happy birthday. I love him to infinity and beyond.
Believe it or not, we're not having a big birthday blowout this year, but we have a few things up our sleeve in celebration of this kid. I think not having a party is harder on me than him! But we'll do it up right anyway! As for today, one last day with my almost 5 year old. One more day...
Wife of 4 years, mom to 1, oldest sister to 7...I'm striving to be an EXCELLENT wife, and not a perfect wife. Reading about the Prov. 31 woman is truly inspiring and something to strive for and to be encouraged by, not discouraged!