It Came Upon a Midnight Clear....

 (NOTE: I'm writing this on the heels of a discussion I had with my sis-in-law who told me I needed to write this down for myself....so I am)

 If you really know me, you know that I have a heck of a time falling asleep. That's when my mind starts to really wander. Usually to dark places of worry and I constantly have to remind myself of Phil 4:8 (Whatever is true, honorable, pure, lovely....dwell on these things)--it's pretty much my mantra.Well, before I got too far in my thoughts the other night, I had a thought that shook me to my very core. It's actually a simple thought, but one that has stuck with me over the last few days, especially in the wake of the recent assault and murder of a little girl, a little LIFE, just a couple of miles from my home that has left our town, our state, and our country heartbroken.

 I was laying in bed the night they announced 7 year old Jorelys Rivera was missing and I was thinking "I wonder if kidd-o's O.K? Is he too hot? Is he too cold? Did I put socks on him? Did he eat enough at dinner? Did I hug him enough today? Kiss him enough?"... you get my drift-- pretty much what EVERY mother thinks at some point during the day--What Jorelys mother was thinking when she went to work.

Here's the doozie that "came upon a midnight clear"- I got to thinking that the little boy that is asleep in the next room, is an actual LIFE! A little soul is asleep in the next room and he depends on ME for everything. He has unconditional trust at this point in his life. That baby goes to sleep every night trusting that I will be there in the morning to get him up. He trusts me to feed him, hold him, bathe him, protect him and teach him. And whatever he learns and knows about the Lord he learns from me. LIKE, WHOA. What a gift of seismic proportions! And for the people who have been given this gift multiple times? MIND BLOWING!

Which brings be to "the itch" I've been feeling. The pressure has been building. I have recently been bitten by the baby bug....bad. All I can think about is having another baby and it seems like EVERYONE around me is making an announcement or asking when I'll be making mine, making the "itch" that much more "itchy". I feel like "times a wastin" and I'm not getting any younger, so I need to get on it! But as the Lord would have it, I had a conversation with 2 dear people in my life about the parent/child relationship and that we should cherish the time we have with our children and that night my attitude shifted....well, that conversation, followed by a hellacious trip to Costco with my ONLY toddler.

And it was decided. My stress was lifted, the pressure subsided and here's what I came up with: What's the rush? I'm loving this time with Kidd-O so much and honestly, he seems like just a baby still. And frankly, the weight of my previous paragraph is quite heavy on my shoulders. And I don't want to have kids just because I'm supposed to, because EVERYONE I know is, because I LOVE being pregnant (which I do), or because I want to be a Superwoman who can do all things. It's not really a race I'm that interested in winning. And I certainly don't want to pop as many kids out as I possibly can in a short amount of time just so I can get it over with. And I know that I would get so overwhelmed that I would wish those precious days away in hopes of quieter, less hectic times. And I certainly don't want to get so burned out that my personal investment in each LIFE that I birthed is nominal. This is my fear for my life and not to be a statement about anyone else. To each his own, and I know many rockin' mom's who love to pop babies out and are darn good at it. And I say all this to say, I may have 2 or I may have 6...ok, probably not 6, but for today I am enjoying the 1 I have and will be content in that. So no "big news"... yet

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest.