Thursday, December 2, 2010

Friday's Photo Flashback...on Thursday!

A Year Ago Today...

I have 7 younger siblings. I know babies. Growing up there was ALWAYS a baby around to hold, or babysit. I had seen 3 births, cut 2 umbilical cords, held hands while they got stitches or had emergency brain surgery (my mother has a weak stomach), and when these babies grew up, I spent lots of time kicking them out of my room or yelling at them when they drew with marker all over my BRAND NEW comforter,or barging in my room at 5 am ! So When I got married almost 4 years ago I was not in ANY hurry to have babies...maybe ever. My momma and daddy-o gave/gives every bit of themselves, they showed selflessness in every circumstance, they went without so we could have, and did so graciously (which I recognize even more now than I ever did growing up) and frankly, I was way too selfish and self absorbed to EVER do the same! I had seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it came to child rearing and I was fairly certain I wanted no part of it!

Around this time last year Mr. Clean and I discussed (briefly) the possibility of never having kids, and if that is a lifestyle we could see ourselves living. We did agree that although that would be fun, we may regret that decision down the road. No one ever regrets having kids, but we may regret not having them . But one thing was for sure: NOW WAS NOT THE TIME!! Things were good just the way they were. Just me and Mr. Clean.

You can imagine my surprise then, when one year ago today I found out that I was pregnant. It was a cold and rainy day (as every good story begins) and I decided I had better get a pregnancy test...or 4 from the dollar store. I didn't tell Mr. Clean about my inkling, because I was positive that I could not possibly be pregnant (believe me...IMPOSSIBLE), but something never happened that month that gave me a sneaking suspicion....

I came home and locked myself in the bathroom. I can't really describe the feeling I had that day. I felt scared and alone. not to sound mellow-dramatic or anything, but it was scary and lonely. Only my sister-in-law knew of my secret because we were having the "baby talk" the day prior, and I wasn't sure I could deny that I might be, ya know, "with child" (GASP! YIKES!)The silence was deafening in that bathroom. 30 seconds seemed to be 30 years, and unfortunately, I didn't need the entire 30 seconds. The pink line was there. Good thing I still had 3 more tests, I was hoping that the dollar store sold defective tests, that's why they are a DOLLAR, HELLO!!! I took one more to confirm...yep. My life is changed. forever. How do I tell Mr. Clean (aka El Cheapo)??

I'll tell ya how I told him. I walked right out of that bathroom and straight into his office and said "I'm pregnant". His response was not really one of joy and not a response I will repeat (if I'm being honest), and I began to cry. Yes, I cried. Not because HE wasn't happy, but because I wasn't. I know I may be awful for saying such a thing, but it's true, and it's my story. I can't change it. No more sleeping in, or going out on a whim (which never really happened that often, Mr. Clean isn't a "go out on a whim kinda fellow), and long gone are the days of using both of my hands. I was about to be tied...FOREVER. The one thing I was happy about, was that people would stop asking when I was going to finish school or when I was going to have a baby. Both questions I received COUNTLESS (did I say COUNTLESS???) times a day (Unfortunately, I still get asked when I'm going to finish school, and my answer remains the same: NOT TODAY)!

That day was life changing for me. And it took every bit of the 9 months and every last day of my 40 weeks (Kidd-o even gave me 2 extra days) for the Lord to prepare my heart, repair my attitude, and fill me with joy and excitement. Now, when I look at my baby there are times that I am embarrassed and ashamed that I was EVER disappointed and sad about having a baby! I have been stretched and grown in the past 4 months. And I now realize it is a joy and a privilege to give of myself the way my parents always did. My mom was right, you just "do it" you don't even think about it! And, our pastor's sweet wife had often told me: Once your baby comes, you'll wonder why you didn't have one sooner. I could not agree more! The love that I have is overwhelming. I am head-over-heels and over the moon in love. I'm in love with those little fingers that envelope mine in the middle of the night while I feed him. I'm in love with the way his little jammies hug his chubby legs and his sweet toes just PERFECTLY, causing my to snuggle just a few minutes longer.His delicious smell right after a bath is intoxicating. And that smile? fuhgeddaboudit!

If someone had told me one year ago today, that I would be "one of those mom's," I would have had to laugh in your face. But it happened. And I could not be more grateful it did, And I can't wait to, Lord willing, do it all again, and again...and maybe again???? but that's all....maybe.


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  2. Thank you, sweet friend! I can't wait for you to experience the same thing! You will be awesome! And even though this time with your new hubby is PRECIOUS and sooo special, you will wonder why you didn't have one sooner!lol! Soak up every second of this stage! And continue to write about it (I wish I had)! LOVE YOU!!

  3. Great story, and I love the honesty.

  4. After reading your post, I have been unable to type a response for a minute. I am so glad that you shared your story today. I was SO excited to have a baby, and had my tough moments when my little bundle actually arrived. I think maybe I should have stayed in the hospital with those angelic nurses for the first year, and then released at the "toddler" stage. This is where the wind is really filling my sails!

  5. Your honesty is so refreshing... so often we hide how we are really feeling... and make ourselves, well, liars! Just to make sure you don't feel alone, I actually weighed my little Guatemalan blessing one day on the bathroom scale, and then went online and calculated the postage to mail him BACK to Guatemala. Of course I didn't... and wouldn't give him up for all the chocolate and sweet tea in the world... but I'm being real! And thank you for being real... you will be an encouragement to others going thru the same thing!! U go girl! Ps... if you want to mail a 23lb package to Guatemala... it cost like over $100 with insurance... and I figured it would be unethical to skip the insurance. :)

  6. Ash,
    'Coach' and I have been so very blessed to see how much you've grown in the past year...
    When you became a wife, you gave of yourself and showed love for your husband (El Cheapo:) above and beyond what we expected in so many ways. But since you've become a mom, you have continued to amaze us with your selfless love, your obvious love of Kid-do while still loving your husband and serving others! You are an example to many and like others I thank you for your honesty! We love you,
    'Gemma & Coach'


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